The Maltese Slipper
by RCGumby
Summary: Would you believe Cinderella as film noir? . . . . Me neither, but we'll try it anyway. Rate and review.
1. Double Indignities

**Chapter 1 - Double Indignities**

_VFX - This is a black-and-white story/movie, in keeping with it being a cheap film noir knockoff._

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT_

_SLOW ZOOM toward Cinderella's home, a Renaissance European-style three-story house on a street in a well-to-do suburb, obscured by the dark of night and a drenching downpour._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
It was a dark and stormy night. . . . A severe thunderstorm watch in effect until 4 AM. . . with winds gusting to 30 miles per hour as a cold front moved through the tri-kingdom area -

DIRECTOR (V.O.)  
CUT!

GUY WITH CLAPPERBOARD (V.O.)  
Take two!

_Sudden "BLEEP!" accompanies an abrupt edit in the film as it switches to:_  
_SCENE 1, TAKE 2 - EXTERIOR, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT_

_SLOW ZOOM toward Cinderella's home, a Renaissance - oh, you know..._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
It was a dark and stormy night when my mother passed away. Maybe Heaven was giving a preview of the dark clouds about to fall over us long-term.

_CUT to INTERIOR, MOTHER'S BEDROOM: Focus on a little girl, CINDERELLA, who kneels crying by a bed in which her mother's body lies. Cinderella's father hangs in the background, but due to the camera angle is only visible from the waist down._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
That's me, Ella. Short for Gabriella. It was either "Ella" or "Gabby," and I was too quiet a girl for "Gabby."

GUY WITH CLAPPERBOARD (V.O.)  
(mutters)  
Not anymore.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Shut up!

_DISSOLVE to a series of flashbacks illustrating the events that Cinderella's continued voiceover describes:_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Pop didn't want me growing up without a mother, me being an only child and all, so soon after Mom died he married a woman he met on Sunset Boulevard. Pop was always a sucker for faces and fluttering eyelashes, and this dame bought 'em custom-made. She was a widow with two daughters about my age, so he figured it was a three-for-one deal: a new mother plus two sisters for me.  
(beat)  
A few months later, they found my old man face down in the pool out back. The cops didn't smell foul play, but my nose knew better. I knew Stepmom and her girls were bad news from the start. Pop's will left enough money to pay for his funeral. Stepmom spent one dollar on a garbage bag and pickup and blew the rest at Macy's. Right after that, she put me to work like a dog cleaning and cooking, and nothing I cooked was ever good enough for her...

_SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE STEPMOTHER'S BEDROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE_

_Cinderella hesitantly approaches the bedroom door._

STEPMOTHER (O.S.)  
Cinderella! Come in here _now_!

_Cinderella opens the door to step slowly inside, where she sees her STEPMOTHER sitting up in bed with a breakfast tray in front of her and an angry face on her. And it's a very familiar face too..._

STEPMOTHER  
You expect me to eat this!?

CINDERELLA  
Please, Stepmother, I - Hey wait a minute! You're the wicked queen from "Snow White!"

STEPMOTHER  
So? You seen one fairy tale wicked stepmother, you seen 'em all!  
(beat)  
You call this breakfast!? The bacon is supposed to be crisp and the eggs runny, not the other way around! And this toast!? If it were any darker, you could tar a roof with it! Can't you cook anything right!?

CINDERELLA  
No one ever taught me how to cook!

STEPMOTHER  
Go back to the kitchen and cook my breakfast right, or _I'll_ teach you how to cook! From the _inside_ of the oven!

_Cinderella reluctantly leaves for the kitchen._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
If only my name were Gretel, I'd show _her_ the oven.

_SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, WORKSHOP, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Living with that old dragon was bad enough, but throw in her two girls? The older one, Lizzie, played with knives . . . and guess who she liked to play with.

_LIZZIE sits at a grinding stone, sharpening one of several knives from a nearby table. She gleefully admires her handy work, then turns with an evil grin toward the other side of the workshop, where Cinderella is mopping the floor._

LIZZIE  
Hey, Cinderella!

CINDERELLA  
(looks up)  
Yes, Lizzie?

LIZZIE  
Don't move!

_Lizzie hurls the knife toward Cinderella. Cinderella shrieks and ducks, and the knife plunges blade-first into the wall where Cinderella's head was._  
_Lizzie quickly picks up two more knives._

LIZZIE  
Two for flinching!

_She hurls those knives simultaneously with both hands. Cinderella pulls in her arms and squeezes her body thin, so the knives plunge into the wall on both sides of her body with barely an inch to spare either way._  
_Lizzie grabs the rest of the knives from the table and hurls them all toward Cinderella. This time the scene doesn't switch to her until after the sounds of multiple thuds, after which we see Cinderella in a wildly splayed pose, arms and legs all at crazy angles, with the embedded knives perfectly marking out an outline of her body. Cinderella screams and runs out of the workshop, then Lizzie stomps over to the knives and starts pulling them out._

LIZZIE  
Look what you did! Now I have to sharpen them all over again!

_SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, KITCHEN, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
The younger one, Lucretia, started out spitting in my milk, but then moved on to slipping me other kinds of mickies: vinegar, Tabasco, wood polish . . . sleeping pills . . .

_Cinderella is in the middle of washing a huge pile of dishes. The stacks, one dirty and the other clean, are about the same height - over two feet - on either side of her as LUCRETIA saunters into the kitchen and gives Cinderella a smile . . . like the kind a cat would give to a mouse._

LUCRETIA  
(mocking)  
Oh, you poor dear, Cinderella! You must be exhausted from all that work! Here, let me get you a drink.

_Lucretia pulls a mug from the bottom of the clean stack, causing all the other clean dishes to topple over and smash onto the floor._

LUCRETIA  
Cinderella, you clumsy jerk! Wait'll Mother hears about this, she'll make you scrub out the inside of the septic tank again!

_Lucretia pours milk into the mug and puts it in the microwave for thirty seconds._

LUCRETIA (cont.)  
So if I were you, I'd take a nap right now, 'cause you're gonna be up all night cleaning up this mess.

_The microwave dings, and Lucretia pulls out the mug of warmed milk._

LUCRETIA (cont.)  
(silky voice)  
Here, this will relax you.

_With her back to Cinderella, Lucretia empties a fine powder out of her ring into the milk, before handing it to Cinderella with a barely-concealed evil grin. Cinderella notices Lucretia's expression and is quite wary as she raises the mug to her lips. A good sniff and the slightest taste confirm her worst fears, and she spits out what little milk was in her mouth, and drops the mug to the floor and spills the rest._

LUCRETIA  
You little ingrate! I do you something nice, and that's how you thank me!?

CINDERELLA  
You call that _nice_!?

_Cinderella points to the floor, where the spilled milk has already started dissolving the floorboards._

LUCRETIA  
So the milk expired! Grow up!

_SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE_

_Cinderella lies sleeping uneasily on the hard brick floor in front of the fireplace, using a rolled-up newspaper as a pillow._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
I didn't even get my own room. They made me sleep on the floor in front of the fireplace and sweep out the cinders every morning. That's how I got the moniker "Cinder-Ella." They were mean, selfish, nasty, conniving...

_SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, STEPMOTHER'S BEDROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
And Stepmom had a real beef about wire coat hangers.

_In front of a large walk-in closet, a furious Stepmother waves several wire coat hangers in Cinderella's face._

STEPMOTHER  
NO - WIRE - _HANGERS_!

CINDERELLA  
Well what can I do!? Plastic hasn't been invented yet!

_CUT to BLACK, with only the caption "CENSORED" showing, so we don't see the visuals accompanying the sudden sounds of a fight, several slaps, and a loud thud to the floor._  
_The visuals suddenly pop back, and we see Cinderella sprawled on the floor in front of the closet, with the remains of the wire hangers wrapped around her face, neck, chest, arms, etc._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
What a sore-head.

_SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, PARLOR_

_Another flashback, showing Stepmother at her desk writing on parchment._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
For my eighteenth birthday, Stepmom gave me a real expensive present: a million-gold-grickle life insurance policy with herself as sole beneficiary, and a double indemnity clause saying she'd collect twice as much if I had an accidental death. And right away, the old battle-ax and her little hatchets started hatchin' one "accident" after another.

_SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, STAIRWELL_

_Cinderella is at the top of the stairs, just starting to dust the banister, working her way slowly down the long stairwell as she dusts. Stepmother appears at the top of the stairs, walking down faster._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Like everyday household accidents...

_As Stepmother passes Cinderella, she nonchalantly drops a roller skate two steps down from Cinderella's foot. Half a minute later, Cinderella steps on the skate, with predictable results at first. But before she can complete the flying tumble off the stairs and into thin air, she grabs the banister with her free hands and turns her flying tumble into a flip onto the banister, and slides down backwards at breakneck speed._  
_Stepmother gets to the bottom first and notices Cinderella is sliding instead of falling. Reacting quickly, she shoves a Radio Flyer(TM) wagon into Cinderella's landing zone. Cinderella lands a bull's-eye on it and her momentum sends her and the wagon careening through the house and out the front door. A loud, lingering crashing sound soon follows from outside._

_SCENE 9 - EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE WALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE_

_Cinderella is on a ladder, cleaning the second-story windows._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Sometimes _not_-so-everyday accidents.

_In the backyard is an animal pen where the family keeps five pigs, the first of which is dressed for going to the market later. Lucretia dumps leftovers from a plate of roast beef into the third pig's trough; the fourth pig stares longingly at it but Lucretia doesn't give him any. Instead, she looks around to see if anyone's watching, particularly Cinderella, and then opens the pen and starts jumping up and down._

LUCRETIA  
Yah, pigs! YAH-YAH!

_Frightened by Lucretia's shouting, the pigs dash out of the pen, straight toward the bottom of Cinderella's ladder. They collide, and the ladder starts tipping over backwards. Cinderella grabs for the window sill too late, and with a scream and a flailing of arms, she topples over backwards. As luck would have it, the ladder's trajectory drops her right into the muddy center of the pigpen, giving her a soft landing, although the soap bucket she was using for window cleaning lands upside-down on her head._  
_Lucretia, upset that Cinderella survived, marches to the pigpen and confronts her._

LUCRETIA  
Now you got your clothes all dirty, Cinderella! You're gonna be in so much trouble!

_The five pigs suddenly stampede into Lucretia, catapulting her face first into the pigpen's mud with Cinderella. The pigs follow closely after, the last one crying "Whee-whee-whee!" as it goes._

LUCRETIA  
(mutters)  
Where's the Big Bad Wolf when you need him?

_SCENE 10 - INTERIOR, BATHROOM_

_Cinderella is taking a shower. P.O.V. from inside the shower._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Other times, they try to scare me to death.

_Several seconds pass just watching Cinderella scrub herself - only from the shoulders up, of course; this is a PG-rated story._  
_Then an ominous looking shadow slowly creeps up on the shower curtain. The shadow resolves itself to be human, and then the human's arm slowly raises the shadow of a knife._  
_Cinderella suddenly notices the shadow just as its owner yanks open the curtain. The owner is Lizzie, who swings the knife downward just as Cinderella screams bloody murder. At the same instant, Cinderella slips on the bar of soap and falls downward, causing the knife to miss her and hit the shampoo bottle in her hand. The shampoo squirts out all over the place, some of it hitting Lizzie right in the eyes and causing her to stumble backwards, trip over the toilet, and fall onto the sink, breaking the faucet and starting a geyser of water spilling out all over the bathroom._  
_Meanwhile, Cinderella had grabbed the shower curtain for purchase, but now it breaks off the curtain rings one at a time and falls into the shower with her, while what's left of the shampoo swirls down the bathtub drain. For several seconds, Cinderella lies in the tub under the shower water, hyperventilating and waiting for her pulse to drop back below 200. Lizzie sits dazed between the toilet and sink, with an impromptu water fountain pouring over her head._  
_Suddenly there's a loud pounding on the bathroom door._

LUCRETIA (O.S.)  
Hey, Cinderella! Ain't you done in there yet!?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
And that's how it was, me under the toes of those three heels without souls. Life was going downhill fast, and they weren't giving me any brakes.

_Lucretia pounds even louder._

LUCRETIA (O.S.)  
Stop narrating and let me in before I pee my dress!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
And all that time, I didn't know that halfway across town, there was another sap stuck in a tree as sticky as mine.

_SCENE 11 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT_

_Another storm with howling winds and driving rain is raging outside during a SLOW ZOOM toward the royal palace, a magnificent European-style castle at the top of a hill overlooking a medieval-type city. Whatever bright lights the palace has are muted by the rain and fog._

CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)  
This sap was the kind of young, handsome prince you always find in stories like these. He didn't know it, but he was sitting on dynamite, and somebody was lighting the fuse. It was another dark and stormy night...

_SCENE 12 - INTERIOR, GRAND ENTRANCE HALL, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT_

_The exterior door to the grand entrance hall opens as the PRINCE enters the palace from the raging storm. His royal clothes are soaking wet, rumpled, and twisted in odd angles around his body. He carries the tattered, twisted remains of an umbrella, and there appears to be a pair of underwear hanging from his neck. He slams the door in disgust._

PRINCE  
_Now_ she tells me.

_The Prince notices the underwear around his neck, pulls it off, and stares at it crossly._

PRINCE  
And the royal tailor said these were guaranteed not to ride up!

_The PRIME MINISTER rushes into the entrance hall toward the Prince._

PRIME MINISTER  
Your Highness! There's an urgent matter we need to discuss!

PRINCE  
Do you mind, Prime Minister? I only just got off Noah's Ark, and I'm still waiting for my luggage.

PRIME MINISTER  
As droll as that is, this matter could ruin your royal career, and perhaps leave the entire monarchy DOA!

PRINCE  
(bored sarcasm)  
DOA? OMG. We better do something PDQ B4 we're all FUBAR. LOL.

PRIME MINISTER  
This is serious, Your Highness! You're sitting on dynamite, and somebody's lighting the fuse!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
That's what _I_ said.

PRIME MINISTER  
Who asked you!?  
(to the Prince)  
You know about your father's gambling? Well, he owes a small fortune to King Midas. The royal treasury's been drained, and now the king is blackmailing your father to pay up or else!

PRINCE  
What's he gonna do, turn Father into a gold statue? Aren't they saving that for the next James Bomb movie?

PRIME MINISTER  
Worse! Midas is threatening to publish photographs of you in compromising situations with several neighboring princesses, causing a scandal that will shake our kingdom to its foundations!

PRINCE

_What!?_ You know I don't go in for that stuff! I don't stick my neck out to romance no dames!

PRIME MINISTER  
That's not what people will think when they see these!

_The Prime Minister pulls out a handful of photographs from his suit pocket and shows them to the Prince one by one:_

PRIME MINISTER  
Midas sent us copies to prove he means business. This one shows you and Tinkerbell stumbling out of a bar after hours!

PRINCE  
The bar called me over there just to help her get home, on account of she was all lit up!

_The Prime Minister shows the Prince a second photo._

PRIME MINISTER  
This one shows you on a nude beach with the Little Mermaid!

PRINCE  
That wasn't a nude beach! That "No Littering" sign is covering up my swim trunks! And I was just _talking_ to her for a minute while she was taking a break from filming a guest spot on "Whale Wars."

_The Prime Minister shows a third photo._

PRIME MINISTER  
And _this_! It shows you in bed with Sleeping Beauty!

_The Prince takes the photo and gapes at it._

PRINCE  
Oh come on, _anybody_ can see this is photoshopped!

PRIME MINISTER  
But nobody will believe it's photoshopped 'cause computers haven't been invented yet!  
(beat)  
Listen, Sire, I've been talking with the Minister of Finance, and he thinks there's only one way out of this. You've got to get married into a rich family. Once everyone sees you're a stable family man, it'll put to bed any rumors about you playing around, and we can use the money from your new wife's family to pay off your father's debts.

PRINCE  
(sarcastic)  
Oh, is _that_ all? And where am I supposed to find a sucker who'll marry me for _her_ money instead of mine?

PRIME MINISTER  
He's got an idea about that, too: You throw a big party and invite all the high-society big shots and their eligible daughters. Then you just take your pick.

PRINCE  
(sarcastic)  
That sounds like a real ball.

PRIME MINISTER  
And don't drop it, Sire, or we'll _all_ be rolling into the gutter.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
He ain't kiddin'.

PRIME MINISTER  
You _bet_ I ain't kiddin'!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Things were messed up so bad, it was gonna take lots more chapters to fix it all up.

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	2. Malice in Wonderland

**Chapter 2 - Malice in Wonderland**

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
So where was I? I was stuck being a servant in my own home, working my fingers to the bone for a stepmother who probably moonlighted as a witch. Sounds like the beginning of some kind'a fairy tale.  
(beat)  
While halfway across town, the Prince had a scandal cooking that was gonna broil him like a mackerel, and a one-way ticket to Skid Row unless he threw a big party and found himself a rich bride and settled down.

_SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT_

CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)  
At the time, I had no clue his problems were gonna change my life. All I knew was I _needed_ a change in my life. I couldn't even lie down for a bad night's sleep on the fireplace without Stepmom lightin' a match under my foot.

_CINDERELLA reluctantly and sleepily walks into her STEPMOTHER'S parlor, wearing a scraggy nightdress and even more scraggy hair._

STEPMOTHER  
You look terrible!

CINDERELLA  
(yawns; mumbles)  
_You're_ one to talk.

STEPMOTHER  
_What was that_!?

CINDERELLA  
(out loud)  
I said, what did you want to talk about?

STEPMOTHER  
Go up to the attic and clean out all the junk up there!

CINDERELLA  
Junk!? That's all my family's precious possessions! All _my_ precious possessions!

STEPMOTHER  
Your _junk_ is cluttering up room _my_ family needs to store _our_ precious possessions!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
She means the junk they've been wasting Dad's money on since they bumped him off.

STEPMOTHER  
I HEARD THAT!  
(to Cinderella)  
Now get up to the attic and throw out all the old garbage, and don't come back until you do!  
(beat)  
And don't even think about falling asleep up there! I'll be sending the cat to check up on you!

CINDERELLA  
The _cat_? How's a cat supposed to rat me out if I slack off?

_Awkward pause._

STEPMOTHER  
. . . I don't know, but there was a cat in the Disney version of Cinderella, and the writers have to put it in here someplace!

_SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, ATTIC STAIRCASE, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT_

_Cinderella faces the ominous staircase leading up to the attic._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Forced to throw out all my childhood mementos just so that wicked old witch and her two monkeys can fill up the attic with their own trash. Pretty much par for the course in my life, but couldn't they at least put decent lighting in the stairs?

_The staircase would be pitch dark except for occasional shafts of light seeping in at random places. And in-between are large, ominous shadowed areas that make the staircase even more terrifying. Cinderella slowly creeps up the staircase, her anxiety rising with every step as she looks around at every stray shadow. The farther up the staircase she goes, the deeper the shadows appear to get, merging into each other as the light dims and her fear grows. It's almost like they're closing in on her, trying to swallow her up for daring to leave the safety of the light and venture uninvited into the darkness that no human has any business being in._  
_She stops dead in her tracks. To her mounting terror, she sees that one especially dark shadow looks like it really _is_ closing in on her. She tries to convince herself it's just her imagination, but each time she looks, the shadow moves again even though she isn't budging an inch and neither is the last of the meager light behind her. She couldn't move now even if she tried; she's paralyzed with fear. The moving shadow is ducking in and out of the still shadows as if taunting her... or stalking her, waiting for the right moment to smother her._  
_Suddenly she feels a rush of wind, and a blur of movement flies by her from behind so fast, she can only catch the barest glimpse of a solid figure in the staircase with her. In response, the shadow tenses up for a moment and then starts rushing toward her at just as fast a clip. Cinderella is in full panic mode now, so afraid that she can neither move nor speak, let alone cry for help - not that it would do any good, knowing her stepmother and stepsisters wouldn't lift a finger to rescue her from whatever horrors she's facing now. Another sudden rush of wind, and the solid figure reappears and rushes past from in front of her now. She whips around to follow the figure. It's still a blur due to its great speed, but she can instantly tell it's circling back to come right toward her again! She whips around and sees the shadow is also speeding right toward her from the opposite direction!_  
_Cinderella shuts her eyes and releases a blood-curdling scream as the figure and the shadow are about to slam right into her from both sides! They seem to collide only a scant fraction of an inch from her as Cinderella's scream dies in her throat, her energy and air expended! She opens her eyes and stares in stock horror as!... the figure plucks the shadow off the wall and folds it under his arm... as her eyes finally adjust to see it's:_

PETER PAN  
Sorry, this is mine.

_Pan flies away with his errant shadow._  
_To Cinderella's overwhelming relief - or is it embarrassment? Or hyperventilation? - the attic door is only a few more steps away. She climbs the remaining steps and goes through the door. The attic is crammed with all the old stuff you expect to find in an attic, and is just as dark as the stairway leading to it. Cinderella carefully scans the room, not only to review what's inside but for possibly more ambushes. Her eyes fall on an old red snow sled, which she tenderly picks up and strokes, her eyes tearing up with long-forgotten memories of a carefree childhood now lost to her forever._  
_The sled has the word "Rosebud" printed on it._  
_She suddenly stops crying, loses interest, and tosses the sled aside._

CINDERELLA  
(mutters)  
_That's_ been done to death.

LUCRETIA (O.S.)  
So has this.

_Cinderella whirls around and shrieks as LUCRETIA jumps out of the shadows and swings a heavy mace at her, barely missing as Cinderella jumps back into the side of an old cabinet._

CINDERELLA  
Lucretia! Since when do _you_ use weapons!?

LUCRETIA  
You're right, the mace was Lizzie's idea. Dipping the mace in strychnine, _that_ was mine!

CINDERELLA  
You'll never get away with this! Killed with a mace dipped in strychnine? Nobody'll ever believe that was an accident!

LUCRETIA  
It could happen!

STEPMOTHER (O.S.)  
(calls out)  
Girls! Girls! Come down here, quick!  
(beat)  
You too, Cinderella!

_Lucretia and Cinderella leave the attic._  
_A few moments later, a black cat crawls into the scene and meows aggressively._

SUBTITLES  
Hey, what about my scene!?

_SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, PARLOR, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT_

_Cinderella, Lucretia, and LIZZIE enter the parlor, where Stepmother is holding a rolled-up parchment._

STEPMOTHER  
This just arrived in the mail.

LIZZIE  
Mail _now_? It's nearly midnight!

STEPMOTHER  
The letter carrier's taken to sneaking the mail to our house at night. Says someone kept throwing javelins at him during the day.

_Lizzie can't keep her evil grin to herself._

LIZZIE  
(fake innocence)  
Who in the world would do something like that?

STEPMOTHER  
It's a decree for all the eligible and wealthy young ladies in the kingdom to attend a ball at the palace next Saturday night. Seems the prince is looking for a wife.

LUCRETIA  
Wow! Imagine, being the prince's wife!

LIZZIE  
Or better yet, the prince's heir!

_The stepsisters share evil chuckles as Lucretia fingers her poison ring and Lizzie fiddles with a knife._

CINDERELLA  
Or better still, the princess! And let _others_ be the servants for a change!

LUCRETIA  
Hold it, Cinderella, I know what you're thinking, and you can forget it! There's no way the prince would ever marry a shabby little scullery maid like you!

CINDERELLA  
If I clean myself up and get a fancy dress, I can be just as beautiful as anyone!

STEPMOTHER  
(stern)  
You're not going, Cinderella. You're staying here where you belong.

CINDERELLA  
I have to go to the ball! The decree says _all_ eligible young ladies. If you keep me from going, they'll know about it! My name's been on the tax returns and census listings for this house for years. They know I live here, that I'm single, that I'll be 20 by now, and that I've been employed in this house for 12 years!

STEPMOTHER  
(cruel smirk)  
As the invitation says, all eligible and _wealthy_ young ladies. And as Lucretia said, you're just a scullery maid, a pauper! A _nobody_!

_In a rare show of courage, Cinderella stares her Stepmother right in the eye._

CINDERELLA  
That's not what you said when you forged my salary in the tax returns . . so you could claim that big deduction.

_Stepmother frowns in disgust._

STEPMOTHER  
Damn.  
(beat)  
All right. If you can make a dress for yourself that's fit for a royal ball, you can go.

LUCRETIA and LIZZIE  
(in unison)  
_Mother!_

STEPMOTHER  
_If_ she can make a dress between all the regular work she needs to do for us.

_Lucretia and Lizzie grin: They get it. Cinderella's face falls: She gets it too._

LIZZIE  
Oh Lucretia, have you seen Cinderella's job jar?

LUCRETIA  
Why yes, Lizzie, it's over here by the fireplace.

_She saunters over to the fireplace. The job jar is sitting on the floor next to it, rather than on the mantle on account of it's three feet tall, two feet wide, and contains enough scraps of paper to supply the next New Year's celebration in Times Square._

LUCRETIA  
Hey, Cinderella! You better get started on them right now. You're way behind!

CINDERELLA  
Now!? It's almost midnight, I gotta get some sleep!

STEPMOTHER  
Sleep on your own time!

_Stepmother turns toward the parlor door._

STEPMOTHER  
(calls out)  
Selena! Come on down, sweetie!  
(to Cinderella)  
This time, my cat really _will_ keep an eye on you to make sure you work.

_SELENA, the black cat, glides into the parlor and gazes toward the camera, purring seductively._

SUBTITLES  
I'm ready for my closeup!

_SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, GRAND BALLROOM, ROYAL PALACE, DAY_

_It's the day of the royal ball, and the servants scramble to get the palace ready. The PRIME MINISTER supervises the preparations. A piano plays an instrumental of the old torch song, "As Time Goes By"._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
The palace really went all out for the royal ball. The dance floor was polished until it reflected more light than Yul Brynner's head. Every crystal chandelier sparkled brighter than Bette Davis' eyes. Enough silverware and gold-plated services to double Jack Benny's bank account. And more streamers and ribbons than I have Hollywood name-drops.

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
All of which are totally lost on younger audiences.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Shut up.

_The PRINCE enters the ballroom and frowns at all the work being done. The Prime Minister notices the Prince's entrance._

PRIME MINISTER  
Your Highness, the royal dry cleaner is still working overtime on the draperies. We'll have to settle for spot-cleaning your dress uniform.

PRINCE  
Or I could just not show up. That'll save you the trouble.

PRIME MINISTER  
(exasperated)  
Please, Your Highness, this ball could mean the difference between riches and rags for you and your whole family! At least _try_ to show some interest!

PRINCE  
Interest in what? Putting myself on display for a gaggle of gold diggers who don't even know _I'm_ the one who has to do the gold digging?

PRIME MINISTER  
It's not just about paying off your father's debts, it's about the future of the monarchy. Whoever you choose tonight will be the mother of your children. The next in line for the throne!

PRINCE  
Oh, that's all I need, having to fight my wife and kids for the throne!

PRIME MINISTER  
(under his breath)  
Welcome to fatherhood.  
(out loud)  
That's why you've got to make an effort to find not only the right rich girl but the right partner in life, one who'll you live happily ever after with.

PRINCE  
I told you before, I don't stick my neck out to romance no dames!

PRIME MINISTER  
If this is still about that girl who broke your heart in Paris -

PRINCE  
Who ran off with an American just 'cause he was a great dancer!

_The Prince suddenly realizes the pianist, SAM, is playing "As Time Goes By" on the grand piano._

PRINCE  
Hey! Sam!

_Sam abruptly stops playing._

PRINCE  
I told you never to play that song! You know I don't go for that mushy stuff!

SAM  
I'm sorry, your Highness, it was the Minister of Finance's idea. He says it's his favorite tune, and he ordered me to practice it for the ball.

PRINCE  
Well, I'm the Prince. _I_ call the shots when it comes to music in the palace, and I'm telling you: _Don't_ play it again, Sam!

_The Prince turns to the Prime Minister._

PRINCE (cont.)  
Is it me, or is the Minister of Finance getting too big for his britches?

_The Prime Minister is about to respond, but suddenly all the sound is replaced by a drawn-out censor's BLEEP, and an on-screen caption overlays the picture:_

CAPTION  
The following joke about overweight people has been censored by the League of Political Correctness. We apologize for the inconvenience.

_The caption blinks off, the censor's BLEEP cuts out, and the sound returns to normal:_

PRINCE  
I'm serious, Prime Minister! In seven years, he hasn't done beans to get our treasury outta the red, and yet he's throwing more of his weight around all the time!

_Once again, the Prime Minister is about to respond, but suddenly all the sound is replaced by a drawn-out censor's BLEEP, and an on-screen caption overlays the picture:_

CAPTION  
Censored by the League of Political Correctness again.

_The caption blinks off, the censor's BLEEP cuts out, and the sound returns to normal as the Prime Minister suddenly turns angrily to the camera:_

PRIME MINISTER  
Now cut that out!  
(to Prince)  
Look, Your Highness, we'll handle him later! Right now, I gotta check how the hors-d'oeuvres are coming.

_The Prime Minister walks toward the kitchen, but pauses and turns back to the Prince._

PRIME MINISTER  
With all due respect, give the ball a try. How do you know you won't meet any women you like unless you try? For all you know -

_For the third time, the Prime Minister is cut off by a drawn-out censor's BLEEP, and an on-screen caption overlays the picture:_

CAPTION  
Censored by the People Against Drawn-Out, Sappy Monologues.

_The caption blinks off, the censor's BLEEP cuts out, and the sound returns to normal as the Prime Minister suddenly turns angrily to the camera:_

PRIME MINISTER  
All right, all right!

_The Prime Minister stomps angrily out of the ballroom._

_SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING_

_The hall is well-polished with a winding staircase leading up to the second floor, and otherwise has only a few pieces of furniture. One of them is an ornate chair, and Cinderella is sprawled on it, dirty, rumpled, and bleary-eyed._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
The night of the royal ball. Not a stormy night, for a change, but for all I cared it might as well've been. Stepmom and her brats ran me ragged twenty-eight hours a day for a week and a half straight. 'Course I didn't have any time to make a dress. I didn't even have time to sleep. My eyes were more bloodshot than Bela Lugosi's dentures.

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
And _another_ one goes over the heads of today's audience.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Shut up!  
(beat)  
Even if I _had_ a dress, I didn't have the energy to call for a cab to the palace, much less hit the dance floor all night.

_The doorbell rings. Cinderella groans and pulls herself out of the chair._

CINDERELLA  
(groans)  
Coming!

_She opens the door. A very nervous MAILMAN stands outside holding a package._

MAILMAN  
(stammers)  
I-I-Is the javelin-throwing psycho here!?

CINDERELLA  
Yes, but she's upstairs getting dressed.

_The Mailman quickly shoves the package into Cinderella's hands._

MAILMAN  
SpecialdeliveryforCinderella!Markedurgent!Haveanic eevening!

_The Mailman runs away twice as fast as his legs can carry him._  
_Cinderella sits back down in the chair and opens the package. It's a department store box with a note taped to it. She pulls off the note and reads it:_

NOTE  
A little something to wear to the ball tonight.  
A friend.

_A puzzled Cinderella pockets the note and opens the box. She gasps in awe as she pulls out what's inside and lets it unfold from her hands. It's a beautiful new evening gown._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Maybe I had the energy after all.

_Cinderella gets a second wind, tosses the box on the floor, and runs upstairs with the new evening gown._

_SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, DRESSING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING_

_Stepmother, Lucretia, and Lizzie stand in front of large mirrors, wearing elegant evening gowns. They put the final touches on their accessories and makeup._

STEPMOTHER  
Now remember, girls. You must be graceful as you enter the ballroom. Head straight, arms loose but steady, ever so slightly holding up your dress as you walk the receiving line.

LUCRETIA and LIZZIE  
(in unison)  
Yes, Mother.

STEPMOTHER  
And when you meet the Prince, curtsey. Smile sweetly, not too broadly.

LUCRETIA and LIZZIE  
(in unison)  
Yes, Mother.

STEPMOTHER  
And above all, whichever one of you marries the Prince, wait at least a month before causing any accidents!

LUCRETIA and LIZZIE  
(in unison)  
Yes, Mother.

STEPMOTHER  
Come along, girls. The carriage should be arriving any minute.

_They step out of the dressing room into the hallway, and are about to descend the stairs when:_

CINDERELLA (O.S.)  
Wait up!

_Cinderella hurries to catch up to them, wearing the evening gown she just received in the mail._

LUCRETIA  
Cinderella!? Where'd you get that dress!?

LIZZIE  
There's no way you could've had time to make that!

CINDERELLA  
Be that as it may, I'm in a snazzy new dress, and Stepmother promised I could go to the ball if I was ready on time. Both of you are witnesses, and so am I! I'll swear it on a whole stack of Bibles in the highest court in the kingdom!

STEPMOTHER  
(cool)  
That won't be necessary.  
(to Stepsisters)  
Cinderella is right. We made a deal, and we have to stick to it.

LIZZIE and LUCRETIA  
(in unison)  
MOTHER!

STEPMOTHER  
No more arguments, girls! We're already running late, and you know how much the carriage charges for waiting. Let's go!

_Stepmother abruptly turns, swinging her arm around toward the stairs as she goes, and "accidentally" knocks a large vase full of flowers and water off a nearby table. It crashes to the floor behind her, spilling a large puddle of water over Cinderella's feet._

STEPMOTHER  
(overacting)  
Oh! How _clumsy_ of me! Cinderella, you better clean this up!

_Stepmother swings her other arm around toward the large puddle, and "accidentally" knocks the electric lamp that was on the table just behind the vase. The lamp crashes to the floor, breaking both its base and its light bulb, which comes into contact with the puddle at Cinderella's feet and sends a predictably large amount of electricity into the water._  
_Cinderella stiffens, spasms wildly, and lights up like a 2000-watt X-ray for several seconds before the electricity stops, leaving her and her evening dress thoroughly charbroiled and smoking like a chimney. She then keels over backwards, her arms and legs splayed out in more directions than two arms and two legs should be capable of._

LIZZIE  
I didn't know Cinderella was double-jointed.

LUCRETIA  
I didn't know fairy tales had electricity.

STEPMOTHER  
A little something I slipped into the script in case all else failed.  
(beat)  
Well girls, it looks like Cinderella won't be joining us at the ball. But I'm sure she wouldn't want us to miss it on her account.

_With evil grins, the three wicked stepwomen descend the stairs to catch their carriage, leaving Cinderella's barbecued body lying neglected on the floor._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Looked like Stepmom would finally cash in on that double indemnity clause. And for the icing on the cake, her brats get a chance to audition for the role of princess while I take a dirt nap. One minute all my dreams were coming true, the next minute I was doing the big sleep. The hasta la vista. Sayonara, Cinderella -

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Hey, Cinderella. You know, it kind'a ruins the suspense of looking like you're dead if you're narrating it like it all happened in the past. 'Cause of course you gotta be emalive/em to narrate what was in the past.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
It's a dramatic storytelling device! The movie's heroine recollecting how she died!

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Oh, who're you recollecting it to, your fellow stiffs in the morgue?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
'Course I ain't doin' _that_, that'd just look stupid!

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Not as stupid as trying to turn the Cinderella story into a cheap film noir knockoff!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
"Cheap!?" You know how expensive the special effects alone are!? Would you believe black-and-white is _more_ expensive than color nowadays!? Not to mention the seven-figure salary that hussy playing the Stepmother demanded!

STEPMOTHER (V.O.)  
Who're you callin' a hussy, you floozie!?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Who're you callin' a _floozie_, you hussy!?

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Wait, _seven_ figures!?

STEPMOTHER (V.O.)  
And why not!? I _am_ the star of this story!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
The hell you are!

_The three voiceovers descend into a freeform argument which partially fades into the background, while YET ANOTHER VOICEOVER comes to the front:_

YET ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Well, they seem to have strayed quite a ways from the main story, so this might be a good place to end the chapter until next time.

_TO BE CONTINUED_

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O. background)  
Get my agent on the phone!


	3. This Gown for Hire

**Chapter 3 - This Gown for Hire**

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING_

_An elaborate carriage is parked outside the house's front door, drawn by two horses with a coachman sitting up front holding their reins. STEPMOTHER, LUCRETIA, and LIZZIE step out of the house and board the carriage._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
There they go. Ever since my old man got his bucket kicked for him, Stepmother and her demon spawn tried to kick me after him. That is, when they weren't yanking on my reins harder than that coachman ever ran his horses. And now they finally did me in and they were off to the royal ball to celebrate AND try to snag the Prince's hand in marriage.

_SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, HALLWAY, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING_

_Cinderella is still lying on the floor in the darkened hallway, limbs splayed in all directions. Smoke still rises from her body, her dress is burned and tattered, and her hair looks like it was styled at the same place the Bride of Frankenstein goes to._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
And there I am, the world's biggest toasted marshmallow shuffling off this mortal coil direct to Stiffsville.

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Says the woman who's narrating the whole story from _after_ she _supposedly_ shuffled off this mortal coil!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
(snaps)  
All right, you know what!? Get a load 'a this!

_Cinderella suddenly inhales deeply as her eyes fly open. She struggles to pull herself up off the floor..._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
There, happy now!? I wasn't really dead, just laid out cold for a while!

_...and stagger to her feet. She takes a look at herself and her still-smoldering dress._

CINDERELLA  
(to herself)  
Mind if I smoke?

_Pregnant pause._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
This is film noir. _Someone_ has to.

_Rallying her strength, Cinderella stumbles downstairs. The rest of the house is just as dark and gloomy as the hallway was, owing to her stepfamily having put out all the lights before they left. Cinderella rushes to the front door, exiting just in time to see the carriage roll down the road in the distance, and disappear over the hill toward the palace and the royal ball._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Looked like I dragged myself out of a coma for nothing.

_Cinderella is heartbroken. She looks down at the ruins of her dress, and gets more heartbroken. She trudges back inside, head down, arms hanging limp, her dreams crushed, her mood as dark and gloomy as the house._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
That ball might've been my one chance at blowing this jail and the three screws who ran it. Looked like our big house would keep on being a big house for me, for the rest of my life. However long _that'd_ be, if I knew Stepmom.

_SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING_

_Cinderella trudges to the fireplace and sits down on the brick floor, leans against the grate, and starts crying._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Things were as black as the soot I could never totally sweep out of the chimney.  
(beat)  
That I _might've_ been able to if they'd ever given me a broom.

_A large, shadowy figure slowly creeps out from behind a doorway leading out of the living room into the darker parts of the house. His features are barely discernible owing to the deep shadows, but also because of the long, dark trench coat and the fedora pulled down low over his head._

MAN IN SHADOW  
(quiet, husky voice)  
Hey, Cinders.

_Cinderella looks up toward the voice in surprise. After a few confused seconds:_

CINDERELLA  
Who, me?

_The Man in Shadow looks slowly and cautiously around to make sure no one else is around, then glances back toward her._

MAN IN SHADOW  
C'mere.

_Cinderella gets up and cautiously walks toward him._

MAN IN SHADOW  
What'cha doin'?

CINDERELLA  
Uh . . . s-sobbing in the fireplace.

MAN IN SHADOW  
Uh-uh.

CINDERELLA  
Uh-uh?

MAN IN SHADOW  
Uh-uh. You gotta ball ta go to.

CINDERELLA  
The Prince's ball? But I can't go.

MAN IN SHADOW  
Who says ya can't?

CINDERELLA  
Who says I can?

MAN IN SHADOW  
Me. I'm yer fairy godfather.

CINDERELLA  
. . . So . . what does a fairy godfather do?

_Godfather holds up his left hand and shows off a large, bejeweled pinkie ring. The ring's jewel glows briefly but brightly as if by magic. Because it _is_ magic._

GODFATHER  
I make things happen when no one else can. When you ain't got no friends who can pull you outta yer jam, I'm the best friend you could ask fer.

CINDERELLA  
A friend . . .  
(candle lights up in head)  
Are _you_ the one who sent me the dress?

GODFATHER  
That's me, Cinders.

_The Godfather suddenly looks at the remains of the dress Cinderella is wearing._

GODFATHER (cont.)  
What th' hell happened to it?

CINDERELLA  
(bitter)  
Stepmom, that's what happened.

_Godfather's rings glows again._

GODFATHER  
Don't sweat it, kid. I can make ya another dress no problem.

CINDERELLA  
That won't do any good now. I missed Stepmom's carriage, and it's too late to call another one. Besides...

_Cinderella lifts her tattered dress' hem line just high enough to expose her feet, and the charbroiled shoes on them._

CINDERELLA (cont.)  
This was the only pair of dress shoes I had, and they got barbecued along with the rest of me.

GODFATHER  
Alright, I'm gonna make ya an offer ya can't refuse. C'mon outside.

_Godfather leads Cinderella out of the parlor..._

_SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, BACKYARD of CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, NIGHT_

_...to the pumpkin patch out back._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Whoever this character was, I felt like he was two characters: One being the best friend I could ask for, the other giving me the creeps. He reminded me of a fix-it guy I used to know in town. Sure, whenever your horse and wagon broke down, he said he'll lend you a hand, but you always wondered what his other hand was doing at the same time.  
(beat)  
Still, I didn't have much else to lose. I'd just keep my peepers open and see what happened.

_Godfather sets his own peepers on a particularly large pumpkin._

GODFATHER  
This'll do fine.  
(to Cinderella)  
Stand back.

_Cinderella does so, and the Godfather aims his pinkie ring at the large pumpkin, and gently rubs the ring with his other hand. The ring starts glowing more brightly than ever._

GODFATHER  
(mutters)  
Veni vidi Napolini,  
Corlioni, scallopini.

_The Godfather hesitates, then looks around to see if anyone else is watching. With a bad taste in his mouth, he concludes the spell with:_

GODFATHER  
Bibbity-bobbity-boo.

_As the pumpkin begins to glow and its features blur, the Godfather turns and gives Cinderella a stern look._

GODFATHER  
You didn't hear that last part.

CINDERELLA  
(nods her understanding)  
What last part?

_Before her suddenly amazed eyes, the glowing, morphing pumpkin grows in size, and its vines stretch out and curl into fancy patterns. Four wheels sprout from underneath the enlarging pumpkin, and the curling vines solidify into fenders over the wheels, a driver's seat high up front, and a rumble seat in the back. A fancy door materializes on the side of the pumpkin. Finally, the growth spurt ends and the glowing light dies away, leaving behind the fanciest coach Cinderella has ever seen, even if it is pumpkin-shaped._

GODFATHER  
Presto, there's yer coach.

CINDERELLA  
That's incredible!

GODFATHER  
Nah, it's a piece 'a cake. I did th' same thing last month fer a guy named Peter Peter. Now _there_ was a mug who could pack away th' pumpkins.

CINDERELLA  
Peter Peter . . . isn't he the guy who got busted for locking his wife in their carriage?

GODFATHER  
If I'd'a known what 'is real beef was, I could'a skipped th' pumpkin magic an' just gotten him th' number of a great divorce lawyer.

CINDERELLA  
Well, I think your pumpkin magic is great! So, can you make me a new dress and shoes, too?

GODFATHER  
Not so fast. Now I need a horse, a dog, an' four mice.

CINDERELLA  
All we have is a cat and five pigs.

GODFATHER  
(shrugs)  
I can work wi' that.

_The Godfather turns to the nearby pigpen, where the five little piggies were woken up by the excitement going on. He holds up his ring toward the pigs and rubs it again._

GODFATHER  
(mutters)  
Veni vidi - yadda, yadda, yadda.

_The five pigs start glowing and morphing. Before everyone's eyes, four of the pigs grow and transform into four beautiful white stallions, wearing bejeweled bridles and decked out in decorative feathers. The fifth pig doesn't grow as much, but instead starts to stand up on his hind legs and transforms into a human in a coachman's uniform._

GODFATHER  
That takes care 'a th' horses an' driver. Now, where's th' cat?

CINDERELLA  
That's a cinch.

_Cinderella turns toward the house and, in a loud voice with way too much emphasis on every word:_

CINDERELLA  
(calls out)  
Boy, I am _so_ tired of doing all these chores! I think I will take a _long_ nap out here in the backyard where _no one_ will disturb me!

_Right on cue, SELENA the cat runs out into the backyard and skids to a stop in front of Cinderella, aggressively hissing at her._

GODFATHER  
Good trick.

_The Godfather aims his ring at Selena and rubs it. The cat starts glowing, and hisses and meows in violent protest as she starts growing and morphing. She ultimately changes into a FOOTWOMAN, dressed in a uniform similar to the coach driver's._  
_When Selena sees what's been done to her, she is _not_ happy._

FOOTWOMAN  
Hey, what's the big idea!?

_The Godfather aims his ring at her again, his hand at the ready to rub it, and gives her a threatening look._

GODFATHER  
Th' big idea is yer gonna be Cinderella's footman fer th' evenin', or kitty cat's gonna move in wi' th' fishes. An' I don't mean fer eatin'.

_Selena the Footwoman puts on a very nervous, exaggerated grin._

FOOTWOMAN  
What time does she want to leave?

GODFATHER  
Soon as she gets dressed.

_Cinderella shuts her eyes in anticipation as the Godfather aims her ring at her and rubs. Cinderella's charred rags morph into a very slinky, strapless, form-fitting party dress, gleaming white and studded with tiny gems, and slit up the left side almost to her hip so as to reveal plenty of leg. And on her feet are high-heeled slippers covered in precious jewels._

FOOTWOMAN  
Diamond and sapphire slippers?

GODFATHER  
You were expectin' maybe ruby?

FOOTWOMAN  
I thought they were supposed to be glass.

GODFATHER  
Are you kiddin'? One wrong dance step, an' glass slippers'd shatter an' turn her feet inta cold cuts.

_Godfather rubs his ring again, and a full-length mirror materializes out of thin air next to Cinderella._

GODFATHER  
So howdaya like _these_ rags, Cinders?

_Cinderella looks at her reflection. In addition to the new threads, her face is made up with the latest color trends in eye shadow, lipstick, and blush, and her hair is done up in a coiffure that would make any Hollywood starlet turn green with envy._  
_She strokes her new dress up and down, and purrs._

CINDERELLA  
Ooh, fasten your seatbelts! It's gonna be a bumpy night!

FOOTWOMAN  
(scowls)  
If you tell me not to wait up, I'm gonna gag!

GODFATHER  
She better not tell ya that, she's gotta be home by midnight.

CINDERELLA  
(startled)  
What? Why midnight?

GODFATHER  
'Cause the magic don't last longer than that. Fairy Godfather union rules.

CINDERELLA  
Well, half a night's better than nothing.

FOOTWOMAN  
And I'll be back in time for tonight's caterwaul concert on the back fence. It's my first time doing the solo.

CINDERELLA  
Let's hit the road!

_SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, FRONT YARD, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING_

_The "horses" are hitched up to the "coach" in the driveway in front of the house's entrance. The "driver" is perched on the driver's seat with reins at the ready. The "Footwoman" holds the door as Cinderella climbs into the coach, then closes the door and perches herself on the rumble seat in the back._

CINDERELLA  
Goodbye, Fairy Godfather, and thanks for everything!

GODFATHER  
Remember ta scram home by midnight, before th' magic runs out.

CINDERELLA  
And then what happens?

GODFATHER  
Th' dress turns back inta rags, th' coach takes its last ride, th' horses end up in yer bed, an' th' slippers turn ta cement.

CINDERELLA  
Cement slippers?  
(to the driver)  
To the royal palace, and step on it!

_The driver snaps the reins, and the horses rear up and squeal like pigs, then take off like four bats outta hell, crying "Whee-whee-whee!" all the way down the lane as they pull the coach at nearly twice the posted speed limit in a huge cloud of dust._  
_When the dust clears, the coach is well out of sight, and Selena the "Footwoman" is sprawled face-down on the road, arms and legs splayed out, obviously after having fallen off the coach when it burned rubber._

GODFATHER  
(nonplussed)  
I thought cats always land on their feet.

FOOTWOMAN  
Ah, shaddap!

_SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, MAIN ROAD, EVENING_

_Cinderella's coach speeds along the road. The royal palace is far in the distance._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
I had to admit, Fairy Godfather really delivered the goods. The coach, the dress, the shoes - the richest girls in the kingdom couldn't afford better. I was gonna be one of the belles of the ball.  
(beat)  
If I could get there before the midnight bells rang, that is.

_Cinderella leans out the window._

CINDERELLA  
Hey, midnight ain't waitin' around! Give 'er the gas!

_Cinderella's eyes suddenly go wide and roll back into her head, and she gags and moans in disgust and faints dead away into the carriage just before it puts on even more speed than before._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Fairy Godfather made the coach's driver and horses out of five pigs, so maybe "Give 'er the gas" wasn't the brightest thing to say.

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Oh, I don't believe it! A _fart joke_!? Don't you people have _any_ shame!?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
You think _I_ like it!? _I'm_ the one who got gassed! I don't even know who put it in the script!

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Where's RC Gumby Productions hiring their gag writers!? Kindergarten!?

_SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, KINDERGARTEN, DAY_

_Four preschoolers sit around a child's table with pencils, notepads, and mugs of warm milk, struggling to think of ideas._  
_CHILD #1 suddenly sits up and laughs excitedly._

CHILD #1  
I got it! One of the horsies poops, and Cinderella falls down and goes beddy-bye, 'cause it's real stinky and gross and stuff!

_The other children laugh hysterically._

CHILD #2  
(laughing)  
That's so funny, Timmy!

CHILD #3  
(laughing)  
Look out! I'm gonna squirt milk outta my nose!

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Sorry I asked.

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	4. Love at Third Sight

**Chapter 4 - Love at Third Sight**

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT OF ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT_

_The palace is in LONG SHOT. In the foreground, a medieval-type city lies in the shadow of the palace. CINDERELLA'S pumpkin-shaped coach speeds along the main drag through the city toward the palace._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
When you're a fairy tale princess, you never know when your fortunes are gonna change or how much. Who'd 'a guessed I'd go from doormat to darling in one hour? From the bucket of ashes near the fireplace to a custom-built, chrome-plated horse-drawn coach? But there I was, on my way to the social event of the season, the royal ball. Where first prize was marriage to the prince.

_SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, BALLROOM, PALACE, NIGHT_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
'Course, Step-Mommie Dearest got there first.

_STEPMOTHER, LIZZIE, and LUCRETIA step through the entrance to the grand staircase at the top of the ballroom, where the royal ANNOUNCER calls out from a long parchment:_

ANNOUNCER  
(shouts)  
Lady Nora Dismal, and daughters!

_The three ladies - and I use the term loosely - walk down the staircase to the ballroom floor. As they near the floor, in the background at the top, a well-dressed man and woman step through the entrance._

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)  
(shouts from a distance)  
Lord and Lady Douche-bag!

PRIME MINISTER  
Excuse me!

_Stepmother and Stepsisters turn to see the PRIME MINISTER walking toward them, carrying a long list._

PRIME MINISTER  
You are Lady Nora Dismal?

STEPMOTHER  
That's what the man said.

_The Prime Minister consults his list._

PRIME MINISTER  
Our records say there are three eligible young ladies in your household, but you only came with two. Where's the third?

_Stepmother puts on a sad face._

STEPMOTHER  
Sadly, my lord, my stepdaughter recently met with an unfortunate accident.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
And if you believe that, I got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.

STEPMOTHER  
Shut up!

PRIME MINISTER  
(exasperated)  
You get voiceovers interrupting you too?

STEPMOTHER  
Frequently! I don't know why we even need narration. In my day, our stories never had narration, and they were still the finest works ever.

PRIME MINISTER  
Yes, I caught some of your work. But you got your start in the silent era, didn't you? You couldn't have spoken narration even if you wanted it.

STEPMOTHER  
We didn't need narration. We didn't even need dialogue. We had _faces_.

PRIME MINISTER  
If they had faces like yours, I can see why they switched to dialogue.

STEPMOTHER  
Watch it, buster! I'll have you know, when I had the role of the Wicked Queen in "Snow White," I was a contender for Fairest in the Land!

PRIME MINISTER  
Sure, 'til you gave yourself that extreme _un_-makeover in the third act.

STEPMOTHER  
But I still had class! I could'a been a contender, instead of that bum Snow White!

PRIME MINISTER  
Slow Wit.

STEPMOTHER  
Whatever!  
(beat)  
When does the prince show up?

PRIME MINISTER  
Right about . . . . now.

_Right on cue, the PRINCE appears atop the staircase at the other end of the ballroom. He starts walking down, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else._

LIZZIE  
Rowr-rowr! Whoever chiseled _his_ features deserves an award for sculpting!

LUCRETIA  
Chiseled from pure marble, he's gotta be!

_Lizzie and Lucretia hurry to join the receiving line of young eligible ladies to greet the Prince as he reaches the bottom of the stairs._

STEPMOTHER  
(to the Prime Minister)  
My daughters are suckers for well-chiseled faces.

PRIME MINISTER  
I bet you taught them everything they know about chiseling.

_Stepmother gives the Prime Minister a _look_._

STEPMOTHER  
When one of them is the princess, remind me to fire you!

PRIME MINISTER  
Don't count your pink slips before they're mailed. The Prince ain't exactly jumping out of the gate to rope either of your fillies.

_Stepmother follows the Prime Minister's gaze, and sees that, just as with all the other "fillies" in the receiving line, the Prince barely gives her daughters a first look, let alone a second._  
_Lucretia and Lizzie refuse to give up so easily._

LUCRETIA  
Oh, you majesty, don't turn away! Can't you see I love you!? I worship the ground you walk on!

LIZZIE  
_I_ worship the ground you walk on, the air you breathe, the water you drink, and the fire in your eyes!

LUCRETIA  
Marry me, my Prince, and I'll live- _we'll_ live happily ever after!

LIZZIE  
Please, won't you give me your money- your _hand_ in marriage!?

_The Prince rolls his eyes and walks away from them and the rest of the receiving line, hardly believing these two gals think he's dumb enough to fall for their guff._  
_Stepmother and the Prime Minister join Lucretia and Lizzie._

PRIME MINISTER  
(to Lizzie and Lucretia)  
Better luck next fairy tale.  
(to Stepmother)  
If you'll excuse me... or even if you won't.

_The Prime Minister heads over to join the Prince. Lizzie and Lucretia look petulantly at Stepmother (_Cinderella's_ stepmother, their _biological_ mother... oh, you know what I mean!)_

LIZZIE  
Did you see that!? How could he just snub us like that!?

LUCRETIA  
We were models of poise and charm! Heck, we're models, period! How could he not want a piece of this!?

STEPMOTHER  
(with withering look)  
You gave him too big a piece. Didn't I tell you to play it cool!?

LUCRETIA  
Us!? If the Prince had been any cooler, we'd have gotten frostbite!

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)  
Lady Lauren Macaw!

_The Prince, Prime Minister, Stepmother, and Stepsisters look up to see Cinderella at the top of the entrance staircase, in her original ensemble by Fairy Godfather. She begins to descend toward the ballroom floor._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
I knew Stepmom would have her eagle eyes peeled on every other gold-diggin' dame at the ball, seeing what kind'a competition her girls had. I had to hope the new threads and makeup job and the phony name would be enough to bamboozle her, provided she didn't look too close.

_The Prince takes a surprising interest in Cinderella._

PRINCE  
Who's the fox in the slick threads?

_The Prime Minister consults his list._

PRIME MINISTER  
Don't know. There's no "Lauren Macaw" on the census list.  
(beat)  
She looks like a woman of means, so hopefully she's another good prospect for a marriage. That is, if you actually had any interest.

_The Prime Minister notices the Prince is still staring at her._

PRIME MINISTER  
Why Your Highness, do you actually have an interest in her?

PRINCE  
Don't be a dunce! I've said it before, I don't go for that mushy stuff!  
(beat)  
And yet, there's something about her... Every other girl at this party's got that look in her eye like a used car salesman sizin' up the first sucker of the day.

_The Prime Minister glances at the camera, then back at the Prince._

PRIME MINISTER  
You know, I think the younger audience actually got that reference.

PRINCE  
Some things are timeless.  
(beat)  
But her?... She's got the eyes of a kid goin' to the circus. They're sayin' she ain't gold-diggin', she's just here to have a ball. I like that.  
(beat)  
Think I'll go see if her eyes are talkin' straight.

_Cinderella wanders across the ballroom. The Prince follows her._  
_The Prime Minister has a surprised smile on his face, until he notices someone in the shadows behind the staircase. The someone is in shadow and so can't be identified, but the Prime Minister obviously knows who it is, since his expression turns to long-suffering tolerance._

PRIME MINISTER  
I figured you'd be watching. Well, Minister, it _looks_ like you're idea's working, but how's about you just wait and see if it works on its own?

_The shadowed figure disappears behind the stairs. The Prime Minister's expression now says he's just been brushed off._

PRIME MINISTER  
(mutters angrily)  
_Way_ too big for his britches.

_SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, BALLROOM, PALACE, NIGHT  
Yeah, I know it's the same location as the previous scene, but it _is_ a different part of the room, and very different things will be happening, so yes, we're calling this a new scene!_

_Cinderella meanders toward the buffet table as she takes in the sights of the royal ball._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
I hadn't been to a shindig like this since . . . Aw heck, I'd _never_ been to a shindig like this. The lights, the music, the colors . . . or what the colors _would_ be if this weren't a black-and-white movie. And I couldn't see myself going to a shindig like this ever again, especially if Stepmother found out I was here. So I wanted to make the most I possibly could 'a this night, even if I only had 'til midnight.

PRINCE (O.S.)  
'Scuse me, Miss Macaw. Hope I don't sound too forward, but would you care to chew the fat for a while?

_The Prince steps up to Cinderella, who turns toward him._

CINDERELLA  
If you mean the cheesecake, I'm saving that for later -

_As soon as she catches sight of him:_

CINDERELLA  
Hey wait a minute! You're the prince from "Snow White!"

PRINCE  
So what? You seen one fairy tale handsome prince, you seen 'em all.

CINDERELLA  
You mean, you really _are_ the Prince!? For _this_ story!?

PRINCE  
That's why they made me heir to the throne.

CINDERELLA  
Must be rough, knowing someday you'll have to manage an entire kingdom all by yourself.

PRINCE  
Ah, managing's the kingdom's the easy part. I got ministers to middle manage everything for me. The hard part is managing the middle managers, making sure they're managing the _kingdom_.  
(leans in to whisper)  
Between you and me, I think the Minister of Finance has been cooking the books, if you know what I mean.

CINDERELLA  
(whispers back)  
Your Highness, what I _haven't_ seen about cooking books hasn't been invented yet.

PRINCE  
So . . You here for the princess tryouts too?

CINDERELLA  
I won't lie and say I wouldn't be happy to marry royalty - especially royalty with _your_ looks - and saying I'm happy where I live now would be an even bigger lie, but I ain't gonna stick my neck out as far as this pack 'a hussies.

PRINCE  
(smiles)  
I like you, Lauren.

_He holds out his hand._

PRINCE (cont.)  
Care to trip the light fantastic?

_Cinderella takes his hand._

CINDERELLA  
How about we just dance?

_The Prince and Cinderella walk hand in hand to the dance floor, passing by the grand piano at which SAM is casually tickling the ivories. Sam sees the Prince and Cinderella together. The Prince turns to Sam, who looks back in anticipation._

PRINCE  
Play it, Sam.

_Sam obliges, beginning to play "As Time Goes By" as Cinderella and the Prince begin dancing in front of everybody._

_SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, BALLROOM, PALACE, NIGHT  
Yeah, the same location again, but a few hours have gone by since Scene 3 ended, so we're calling _this_ a new scene, too._

_Cinderella and the Prince have been dancing all evening. Everyone else at the ball has been watching them, particularly Stepmother, Lizzie, and Lucretia. The stepsisters look mad enough to chew lead. Stepmother tries not to show it, but she is too._

_SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, BALCONY, PALACE, NIGHT  
Hah! Different location now! _Have_ to call _this_ a different scene!_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Boy, somebody on the writing staff's gettin' full of themselves.

_The Prince and Cinderella's dancing leads them through a huge doorway to a large outside balcony adjoining the ballroom, where the dancing stops and the Prince simply leads Cinderella to the balcony's ornate railing overlooking the palace's vast gardens._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Who would'a guessed? Like I said before, a few hours earlier I was a doormat, and now I was the belle of the ball. And I was even starting to wish it was a wedding bell. Everybody thinks royal guys are stuck-up snobs who only chase girls for money or politics or a one-night stand, and otherwise wouldn't give commoners the time of day. But not him. He gave new meaning to the name Prince Charming. He knew how to talk to a lady, and his mouth was on a straight road from his heart. And my heart was steering a course right to his. I was falling for him like a ton of bricks.

PRINCE  
Who're you talking to?

CINDERELLA  
Oh . . anybody who'll listen to how nuts I am for you.  
(beat)  
There, I said it. Truth is up, your Highness. I didn't come to steal your heart away, but you nabbed mine instead.

PRINCE  
Lauren, you're amazing. Weird, but amazing.

CINDERELLA  
(sighs in resignation)  
Prince, I gotta level with you. My name's not Lauren Macaw, it's Cinderella. I gave your people the phony name 'cause some other people'd skin me alive if they knew I was here.

PRINCE  
What other people?

CINDERELLA  
Other people who wanna be your wife. Or your mother-in-law.

PRINCE  
You mean she ain't even my mother-in-law yet, and she's already tryin' to make my life miserable?

CINDERELLA  
Miserable how?

PRINCE  
Maybe you didn't want to steal my heart, but you did it anyway. _I'm_ the one falling for _you_ like a ton of bricks.  
(beat)  
And I'm gonna level with you. My ministers cooked up this royal ball caper, not me. _They're_ the ones who want to hitch me up with a wife.  
(beat)  
And the worst part is . . maybe it worked.

_The Prince takes Cinderella by the hand and draws her closer._

PRINCE (cont.)  
I don't know much about romancin', and even less about marriage, but I think if I ever was gonna get hitched, it'd be with a girl like you.

_Cinderella gets all starry-eyed._

CINDERELLA And I wouldn't say no.

_The Prince gently takes Cinderella's chin in his hand and draws her even closer._

PRINCE  
Here's puckerin' up to you, Kid.

_The Prince and Cinderella close their eyes, and lean slowly toward each other's lips._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
It was a dream come true! It was the most incredible moment of my life! It was -

_With a loud _BONG!_, the palace's clock tower starts striking the midnight hour._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
- the worst timing in the history of fairy tales!

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	5. For Whom the Bell Tolls

**Chapter 5 - For Whom the Bell Tolls**

_That's not a very funny title._

_No, but it sure fits what's going on._

_Yeah, but that title's from a story that's all doom and gloom. This story's supposed to be funny._

_. . . Why start now?_

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, BALCONY, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT_

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Long story short: I lose Mom, Pop remarries, Stepmom bumps off Pop, I'm Stepmom's doormat, the Prince throws a ball, I can't go, Fairy Godpop shows up, gives me dress and coach, I can go after all, long as I'm home by midnight.  
(beat)  
And guess what? It's midnight.

_The castle's clock tower chimes for the second time. CINDERELLA quickly pulls away from the PRINCE, much to his surprise._

PRINCE  
What's wrong?

CINDERELLA  
I - uh - I gotta go! My ride splits at midnight, and I can't miss it!

PRINCE  
You can't miss your ride? Didn't you come in your own coach?

_The third chime sounds._

CINDERELLA  
Uh - I don't wanna pay the driver overtime.

_Cinderella turns to leave quickly but the Prince grabs her upper arm to stop her._

PRINCE  
Wait a minute! You can't just scram like this! I don't know anything about you other than your name! At least tell me where you're from, where you're going! How will I ever find you again!?

_A fourth chime._

CINDERELLA  
(sadly)  
I'm sorry, but where I have to go, you can't follow. What I have to do, you can't be any part of. We're from different worlds. You're a prince, and I'm a pauper. Maybe in a Mark Twain story, we could'a had something, but it's clear to me the problems of two fairy tale characters don't amount to a hill 'a magic beans in this crazy kingdom.

_A fifth chime._

PRINCE  
But what about us?

_Cinderella kisses her fingers and touches the Prince's lips with them._

CINDERELLA  
We'll always have the royal ball.

_She pulls away from him and runs down the balcony's outside stairs as the clock chimes for the sixth time. Lightning flashes across the sky, followed by the roar of thunder as a rainstorm quickly approaches and the Prince tries to chase her down._

PRINCE  
Cinderella! Wait, don't go!

_A sudden, much brighter flash of lightning and a loud thunderclap hit, and then it suddenly starts raining. All this momentarily blinds the Prince, so that by the time he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he has lost sight of Cinderella._  
_He hears a seventh chime. He stares desperately out into the palace gardens as the rain comes down harder, his eyes wide with unfulfilled love._

PRINCE  
(calls out)  
Cinderella! _Come back!_

_He stares upward into the rain, slapping his hands against his cheeks in frustration._

PRINCE  
(wails)  
Hey, _Cinder-ELLA-A-A-A-A!_

_SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, GARDENS, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT_

_Chime number eight sounds as Cinderella runs through the garden in the rain toward the valet parking lot. As she stops momentarily to catch her breath, she suddenly hears a sharp, loud "Psst!" from behind a large, exotic shrub. Another "Psst!" draws her to the shrub and she sees hiding behind it under an umbrella:_

GODFATHER  
(hisses)  
Hey, Cinders!

CINDERELLA  
Fairy Godfather!? What're you doing here!?

GODFATHER  
Drop one 'a yer slippers.

CINDERELLA  
One of my slippers, why?

GODFATHER  
You wanna be with yer prince again, don't ya?

CINDERELLA  
Yeah, but-

GODFATHER  
Then lose the slipper! Trust me!

_They hear chime number nine. Realizing she doesn't have time to argue, she slips her right foot out of her slipper, shoves it to the edge of the garden path, and resumes running. The Fairy Godfather nods in satisfaction and disappears further into the garden shadows._

_SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, PARKING LOT, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT_

_Chime number ten as a sprinting Cinderella skids to a stop at the side of her coach, throws the door open, and jumps in._

CINDERELLA  
(to the driver)  
Floor it!

_The driver gives her the gas . . . I mean he gets the coach going real fast, he doesn't fart on her again! Geez, get your minds outta the gutter!_  
_The coach speeds out of the parking lot and through the palace gates like a bat outta hell. The good news is the brief downpour is already starting to let up. The bad news is: Another clock chime._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
How many chimes was that now?

_Eleven._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Right. I was cuttin' it close enough to get razor burn.

_The coach races along a highway that is now running the side of a range of steep hills overlooking the ocean, with only a very low guard rail between the road and a hundred-foot drop to sharp rocks relentlessly pounded by the surf._

CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)  
It'd take a miracle to make it back home before the clock finished chiming.

_Chime number twelve._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Miracles in a film noir? Fat chance.

_A magical glow surrounds the horses, the driver, and the coach, and they morph back into the five pigs and a large pumpkin. When the glow dissipates, Cinderella is sprawled on the highway, wearing charred rags again, the pigs start milling around in confusion, and the pumpkin rolls across the highway, bounces over the guard rail, and plummets over the edge of the cliff._  
_Suddenly there's a flash of light and an explosion from below that gives Cinderella a huge start and sends the pigs away squealing. She stumbles to the cliff, peers over, and sees the smashed-up pumpkin has exploded in flames on the rocks below._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Must've been overripe.

_She returns to the other side of the road, sees an oncoming coach, and flags it down. The coach stops beside her and Cinderella reads the name plate on the side door: RAPUNZEL. The door opens, and fourteen feet of hair spill out onto the road as its owner leans out._

RAPUNZEL  
What're you doing way out here?

CINDERELLA  
Can you help a fellow fairy tale princess who's down on her luck?

_SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, NIGHT_

_STEPMOTHER, LIZZIE, and LUCRETIA step through the front door to return home, and abruptly stop and stare in shock at who's standing in the hall waiting for them:_

STEPMOTHER  
(shocked)  
Cinderella!

CINDERELLA  
(cool)  
Hello, Stepmother. Stepsisters.

LIZZIE  
We thought you were dead!

CINDERELLA  
I got better.  
(beat)  
Did you have a ball at the ball?

LUCRETIA  
It was a total wash-out! The Prince totally brushed us off!

STEPMOTHER  
Brushed _everyone_ off as soon as he saw that one lady.

LUCRETIA  
"Lady?" More like a tramp!

CINDERELLA  
"Tramp"!?

LIZZIE  
Yeah, he spent the whole evening with that dog!

CINDERELLA  
"Dog"!?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
You can tell I resented that.

_SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM, SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE_

_Two dogs, a male SCHNAUZER MIX and a female COCKER SPANIEL, stare angrily at the camera._

SCHANUZER MIX  
You and us both, sister!

COCKER SPANIEL  
Where do humans get off using "dog" as an insult!?

_SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, NIGHT_

STEPMOTHER  
But then I heard she ran off suddenly, and the Prince just moped around the rest of the night. That put an end to the party in a hurry.  
(beat)  
So what were you up to when you were supposed to be dead?

CINDERELLA  
Praying I didn't have a relapse.

_Cinderella turns and walks toward the stairs._

LUCRETIA  
Where do you think you're going!?

CINDERELLA  
Where we should all be going. Bed.

_Cinderella walks up the stairs without looking back. Lucretia and Lizzie look like they're about to explode._

LIZZIE  
_Mother!_ Are you gonna let her walk away from us like that!?

_Stepmother isn't paying much attention. She's looking out the window instead._

LIZZIE  
Mother! Are you listening!?

STEPMOTHER (distracted)  
What? . . Oh, we'll deal with her later. . . . I'm not sure, but I thought I saw someone outside watching the house.

_She peers more closely through the window, but it's so dark outside she can't see a thing._

STEPMOTHER  
She made one good point. We all need some shut-eye.  
(calls out)  
Selena! Come to Mommy, it's time for beddy-bye!

_Selena, who is back to being a cat, walks into the entrance hall. Her fur is dirty and ratty and scraped off in several places, the result of the hard tumble she took off the pumpkin coach two chapters ago._

STEPMOTHER  
Good grief, Selena!

LUCRETIA  
What happened to her!? She looks like roadkill!

_Selena replies with a growling, disgruntled meow._

SUBTITLES  
You don't know the half of it!

_SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, PRINCE'S BEDROOM, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT_

_There's just barely enough ambient light in the room to see that the Prince is asleep in his giant, ornate, four-posted bed._  
_That is, until three loud knocks on the door._

PRIME MINISTER (O.S.)  
Your Highness! You Highness, wake up, I have important news!

_The Prince slowly stirs, groans quietly, and reluctantly drags himself out of bed._  
_Three more loud knocks on the door._

PRIME MINISTER (O.S.)  
Your Highness!

PRINCE  
(growls)  
I'm comin'!

_The Prince drags himself across the bedroom and opens the door to let the PRIME MINISTER inside._

PRINCE  
This better be important, Prime Minister. I was dreaming about me and Cinderella taking our honeymoon in Key Largo.

PRIME MINISTER  
Maybe you could still do that in real life!

_The Prince's hopes perk up._

PRINCE  
You traced her coach's license plate?

PRIME MINISTER  
No, but remember you said she ran through the gardens? The guards found a discarded slipper on one of the garden paths.  
(turns around)  
Bring it in!

_A GUARD enters the Prince's bedroom, holding up a small red pillow with the slipper sitting on it._

PRIME MINISTER (cont.)  
Does this look like one of hers?

_The Prince looks at it. The shape is exactly the same as Cinderella's slipper, and even has the shapes of the same jewels all over it, but this slipper is all one color, a dull gray like stone._

PRINCE  
It looks the right size and shape, but I don't remember it being made of cement.

PRIME MINISTER  
Maybe it was just jewel-plated and it washed off in the rain?

PRINCE  
Or maybe she stepped in wet cement on her way out?

PRIME MINISTER  
And look at this. There's a label on the heel that says "Made in Malta."

PRINCE  
So this is a -

PRIME MINISTER  
Yeah-yeah! Let's not go there!

PRINCE  
Even if this is her slipper, how does that help find her?

PRIME MINISTER  
We could take it all around the kingdom and call on all the single girls to try it on. Whoever fits the slipper must be this Cinderella you're so head-over-heels for, and then you can marry her!

_The Prince gives the Prime Minister a withering look._

PRINCE  
Or . . we could go all around the kingdom and call on all the single girls, and I can marry the one I _recognize_ as Cinderella.

PRIME MINISTER  
. . . . . Well, yeah . . .

_Another GUARD enters the Prince's bedroom._

GUARD  
Your Highness, I have important news!

PRINCE  
Why not? I'm already awake. Unless this is just a nightmare where my people keep me awake.

_The Guard is about to deliver his news, when what the Prince said makes him pause and turn thoughtful._

GUARD  
So . . . you're asleep, during which you're dreaming that you were asleep . . . and were you having a dream while you were in that sleep? Does that mean you were dreaming that you were dreaming? And what would you be dreaming about while you were dreaming?

PRINCE  
Guard...

GUARD  
Maybe there can be different levels of dream states, and they're all nested together in this case? You know, like those Russian dolls?

PRIME MINISTER  
Guard...

GUARD  
So how many different dream levels could you have? I mean, could you dream that you were dreaming that you were dreaming? Or dream you were dreaming you were dreaming you were dreaming you were dreaming, ad infinitum?

PRINCE  
Are you gonna keep _rambling_ ad infinitum, or are you gonna gimme the damn news!?

GUARD  
. . . Oh - right. The Minister of Finance sent me to tell you, he has some men shadowing a lady who was at the ball tonight and left early. He thinks it could be the one you were dancing with.

PRINCE  
How does he know that?

PRIME MINISTER  
And since when does _he_ get to send men out to shadow somebody!?

PRINCE  
Shady character like him - probably comes naturally.  
(beat)  
Right now, I don't care. First thing in the morning, we'll go see if he really struck paydirt. AFTER I get a good night's sleep! Everybody out!

_The Prime Minister and the two guards exit the bedroom and the Prince shuts the door. As he turns to walk back to bed..._

GUARD (O.S.)  
So if this is a dream, then he's already asleep, so is he just going into a deeper sleep state?

PRIME MINISTER (O.S.)  
Shut up!

PRINCE  
Note to self: Don't hire any more philosophy majors as palace guards.

PRINCE (V.O.)  
Truth is, I didn't know I was gonna get a good night's sleep now. On the one hand, the girl I fell in love with at the ball skipped out on me. On the other hand, now it looked like I might be able to find her again and maybe get a real explanation why she skipped out. But would it be an explanation I'd like? And either way, was there still a chance we could be together?  
And then there was the Minister of Finance again. Between fiddling with the finances and now sending out his own spies - Just what kind of a racket was he pulling around here?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
What're you doing!?

PRINCE (V.O.)  
Hey, you've been doing voiceovers through the whole picture! It's just as much my story as yours!

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Oh yeah? The title doesn't say, "Cinderella and the Prince"!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
I can argue for myself, thank you!

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
You can't do a convincing voiceover, why should I believe you can do a convincing argument?

_TO BE CONTINUED_

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
Hey, I wasn't finished yet!

PRINCE (V.O.)  
That's what you think! This chapter's dragged out enough as it is!

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
_This_ chapter was dragged out enough after the first scene!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
(angry)  
Listen pal, I'm getting sick of you shooting off your big mouth every time this studio comes out with a new comedy! Either you stick your nose into a scene where it don't belong, or you badmouth the whole damn script!

PRINCE (V.O.)  
(angry)  
I've had it up to here with you too! I gotta good mind to come right outta this voiceover and knock your block off!

_The KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR steps up to the voiceover Prince and hits him over the head with a rubber chicken._

PRINCE (V.O.)  
. . . . . How the hell do you do a mute character with a purely visual gag in a voiceover?

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
It's comedic prose.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
. . . It's the writer having no idea how to end this scene.

ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
That too.


	6. The Shoe Must Go On

**Chapter 6 - The Shoe Must Go On**

ED SULLIVAN (V.O.)  
And a r-r-really big shoe it is, too.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
. . . . What exactly is the writer drinking? And where can _I_ get some?

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT OF CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, DAWN_

_O.S.: The sound of a rooster crowing._

CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)  
Soon as the rooster crowed, I had to crawl outta my nest and fix breakfast for those three hens so they could keep having their beauty sleep. To be fair, they needed it a lot more than me.

STEPMOTHER (V.O.)  
I heard that!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Get the hell outta my voiceover!  
(beat)  
It was like last night didn't even happen. Like the royal ball and dancing with the Prince and almost getting proposed to was just some kind 'a dream. Just a wish my heart made while I was asleep.  
(beat)  
There, I said it, and I don't care if I get sued or not.

_SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, DINING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, MORNING_

_Stepmother, Lizzie, and Lucretia sit at the dining room table with several breakfast plates set out for them. As usual, Cinderella stands nearby acting as waitress instead of being allowed to sit with them._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
On the other hand, a lawsuit'd be peanuts compared to what I have to put up with here. Back to being a slave in my own house to three dames who conned their way into my dad's life, then bumped him off and took over the joint. The one consolation was they didn't get to marry the Prince either.  
(beat)  
Then again, if any one of 'em had, they'd have a whole castle full of servants now, so _I_ wouldn't get all the complaints.

STEPMOTHER This is the worst breakfast you've made since yesterday!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Right on cue.

CINDERELLA  
(to Stepmother)  
What's wrong _now_?

STEPMOTHER  
My porridge is too hot, _that's_ what's wrong!

LIZZIE  
And _my_ porridge is too cold!

CINDERELLA  
(to Lucretia)  
But _your_ porridge is just right, isn't it?

LUCRETIA  
Oh yeah. _But I ordered waffles!_

STEPMOTHER  
Oh, don't sweat it, girls. I talked to the lawyer yesterday, and we'll soon be rolling in dough, thanks to our little "princess" here and one double-indemnity clause...

_With an evil smirk, she takes a set of papers out of her nightgown._

STEPMOTHER (cont.)  
...together worth a cool two million gold grickles! We'll be able to hire real servants to do the cooking and cleaning...  
(to Cinderella)  
...which I'm afraid leaves you out of a job, Cinderella! Pack your things and hit the bricks by the end of the week! And don't let the door handle hit you on the way out!

CINDERELLA  
Aren't you forgetting something, Stepmother? I'm not dead! Your little "accident" didn't kill me!

STEPMOTHER  
Au contraire, Stepdaughter! Remember this little clip?

_SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, HALLWAY, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING. CLIP_

_Stepmother abruptly turns, swinging her arm around toward the stairs as she goes, and "accidentally" knocks a large vase full of flowers and water off a nearby table. It crashes to the floor behind her, spilling a large puddle of water over Cinderella's feet._

STEPMOTHER  
(overacting)  
Oh! How _clumsy_ of me! Cinderella, you better clean this up!

_Stepmother swings her other arm around toward the large puddle, and "accidentally" knocks the electric lamp that was on the table just behind the vase. The lamp crashes to the floor, breaking both its base and its light bulb, which comes into contact with the puddle at Cinderella's feet and sends a predictably large amount of electricity into the water._  
_Cinderella stiffens, spasms wildly, and lights up like a 2000-watt X-ray for several seconds before the electricity stops, leaving her and her evening dress thoroughly charbroiled and smoking like a chimney. She then keels over backwards, her arms and legs splayed out in more directions than two arms and two legs should be capable of._

_SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, DINING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, MORNING. PRESENT DAY_

STEPMOTHER  
I showed that clip to the lawyer and a medical specialist. Based on the amount of electricity, no visible signs of heartbeat or breathing, and the position of your body after you keeled over, you were clinically deceased for at least twenty seconds!

CINDERELLA  
Even so, I'm not deceased _now_, that's the main thing!

STEPMOTHER  
(triumphant smile)  
No, it isn't!

_She hands Cinderella the papers._

STEPMOTHER (cont.)  
Take a look for yourself! It doesn't say anywhere in the policy that you have to _stay_ dead!

_Cinderella examines the papers carefully. From the look slowly creeping onto her face, she's confirming Stepmother's diagnosis._  
_From the look _now_ slowly creeping onto Cinderella's face, this is one straw too many._

CINDERELLA  
(to everyone)  
So . . you're kicking me out on the street, hmm?

LIZZIE  
With the rest of the garbage!

CINDERELLA  
And I'll be totally on my own. No one to shelter me. No one to feed me. Nothing but the clothes on my back.

LUCRETIA  
(as if talking to a very slow-witted child)  
Ye-e-e-s.

CINDERELLA  
Nothing to lose.

_Lucretia and Lizzie suddenly don't like where this is going._

CINDERELLA  
No one to order me around. No one to control me.

LUCRETIA  
(wary)  
. . . Yes . .

CINDERELLA  
I'm as good as free of you and your sister and "dear" Stepmother. Free as a bird.

STEPMOTHER  
Not so fast, Cinderella! This is film noir, remember? A socially unenlightened genre where everyone believes the homeless and jobless are nothing more than bums and vagrants. The minute you're on the street, they'll just throw you in the slammer to rot for the next ten years, or stick you in a poorhouse where heartless bosses work you like a dog and callous visitors scorn you like you're doggie doo under their shoes!

CINDERELLA  
Everyone in the socially unenlightened film noir genre _also_ believes women are the weaker sex! Instead of throwing me in jail, they'll take pity on me. Some kindly, rich widow'll take me in, feed me, and nurse me back to health, and then I'll marry her handsome son who inherited the family business and live happily ever after in the lap of luxury!

STEPMOTHER  
You wanna lay odds on which one'll happen? My money's still on the poorhouse with the heartless boss treating you like doggie doo.

CINDERELLA  
So, exactly the same as my life right now. Like I said, nothing to lose.

STEPMOTHER  
(getting furious)  
I don't care a lot for that attitude of yours!

CINDERELLA  
This is film noir. _Everybody's_ got attitude.

_O.S.: The sound of a doorbell._

CINDERELLA  
I'll get it.

_She stuffs the insurance policy into her apron and exits the dining room before Stepmother can demand the policy back._

_SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, MORNING_

_Cinderella approaches the front door. Stepmother, Lucretia, and Lizzie follow her, partly out of curiosity over who'd be calling, and partly to avoid the lousy breakfast._  
_Cinderella opens the door to reveal the Prince, the Prime Minister, and the two Guards from the end of Chapter 5. One of the Guards holds the ornate pillow with the cement slipper._

CINDERELLA  
Your Highness!

PRINCE  
(points to Cinderella)  
That's her!

STEPMOTHER  
What about her?

PRIME MINISTER  
(to Prince)  
She's the one you fell for?

STEPMOTHER  
(beat)  
At the ball!?  
(sudden realization; to Cinderella)  
YOU!?

LUCRETIA  
_You're_ the tramp!?

LIZZIE  
_You're_ the dog!?

SCHNAUZER MIX (O.S.)  
Cut it out!

LIZZIE  
(yells to offscreen)  
Shut up!  
(to Cinderella)  
What do you mean, sneaking off to the ball when you're supposed to be dead!?

PRIME MINISTER  
"Dead"?  
(beat)  
Oh, is _this_ the daughter who had the "accident?"

CINDERELLA  
(to Stepmother)  
"Accident", huh?

_Stepmother and Lizzie look like they've been caught out in something, but Stepmother recovers quickly._

STEPMOTHER  
(to Prime Minister, smoothly)  
We _thought_ the accident killed her. We didn't know otherwise 'til we got home.

PRINCE  
Not too good at checking pulses, huh? Can't even hold a mirror over somebody's mouth?  
(to Cinderella)  
I've been searching all over the kingdom for ya, Cinderella.  
(beat)  
Well, I _would_ have, if this hadn't been only the third street we checked.

CINDERELLA  
Just got lucky, huh?

PRINCE  
You wanna make me an even luckier man, and marry me?

CINDERELLA  
You bet!

PRIME MINISTER  
One moment, Your Highness. We need to get the formalities out of the way.

_The Prime Minister motions to the Guard holding the slipper to step forward._

PRINCE  
Oh, all right, real quick.

_The Prince takes the slipper and kneels down. Cinderella lifts her right foot and the Prince slips the slipper on it. It's a perfect fit._

PRINCE  
(to the Prime Minister; sarcastic)  
Okay, it's official, can I marry her now?

PRIME MINISTER  
And then there's this.

_He pulls a parchment out of his coat. The Prince stands up and looks hard at him._

PRINCE  
You really gonna make me do that?

PRIME MINISTER  
(quietly, in Prince's ear)  
You _know_ what's at stake, Your Highness.

PRINCE  
(groans)  
Fine!

_He impatiently grabs the parchment and leads Cinderella to a small end table next to the entrance hall's ornate chair._

CINDERELLA  
What's this all about?

PRINCE  
Don't take it the wrong way, but this is a marriage contract. Don't worry, it just legalizes our union and merges our two fortunes together for the mutual benefit of ourselves and the kingdom I'm gonna inherit someday.

PRIME MINISTER  
You know what royal marriages are like, all the politics and legal wrangling. With the media watching our every move, we gotta cover every little base, dot every "I", and cross every "T", or next thing you know, we wind up the feature story in all the gossip rags.

LUCRETIA  
(to Prime Minister)  
Yeah, didn't I see your picture in the National Enquirer last month? Something about moonlighting as captain of a pirate ship somewhere around Neverland -

PRIME MINISTER  
(explodes)  
HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL PEOPLE!? I WAS JUST FILLING IN THAT ONE DAY WHILE MY COUSIN WAS OUT WITH THE FLU!

_The Prince lays the parchment flat on the table and pulls out a pen._

PRINCE  
(to Cinderella)  
Anyway, just sign here and we can start the happily ever afters.

_The Prince hands Cinderella the pen. She takes it and is about to sign, but then she starts giving the contract a really close look._

CINDERELLA  
. . . Wait a minute . . .

_She suddenly puts down the pen and pulls a note out of her apron, and gives _it_ a close look. With a look slowly turning angry, she hands it and the contract to the Prince._

CINDERELLA (angry)  
Get a load 'a this!

_The Prince takes the note and the contract, gives both of them a close look, and then gives Cinderella a really puzzled look._

PRINCE  
What's _this_ all about?

_Cinderella grabs the Prince's hand and leads him toward the front door._

CINDERELLA  
I'll explain on the way back to the palace! I want to meet your "Minister of Finance"!

_SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT OF ROYAL PALACE, DAY_

_The Prince's royal coach speeds along the winding road leading to the palace and into the courtyard._

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Something fishy was going on. When a future husband shoves a pre-nup in your face, it ain't exactly a sign of trust. But in this case, it wasn't the Prince, it was the pre-nup itself that was sending up red flags. Fact is, I got the feeling the Prince and I were _both_ gettin' our britches run up the flagpole.  
But I needed more to go on, _and_ I needed to recap the important plot points. So on the way to the palace, I told the Prince about my Fairy Godfather, how he first sent me a ball dress anonymously, then came in person to help me get to the ball, and then told me to drop the slipper in the garden. He told me about King Midas holding debts over his old man and blackmailing him with embarrassing photos, how the Minister of Finance cooked up the whole royal ball idea to get him a rich wife to pay off the debts, and then how they found my slipper and tailed me home.  
And now this whole setup smelled more rotten than eggs left on a compost heap in the sun for two weeks. I just needed a few more pieces to put the whole puzzle together, and I had a feeling I knew who could cough 'em up.

_SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, FINANCIAL OFFICE, ROYAL PALACE, DAY_

_A very large, ornate desk dominates one end of the huge office, opposite from the doors. Behind the desk is a high, leather-backed chair, turned toward the large picture window on the far wall so that whoever's sitting in the chair is completely hidden from the P.O.V. The window's drapes are drawn, giving the office a dark, moody atmosphere._  
_The doors are thrown open to reveal the Prince, Cinderella, and the Prime Minister barging angrily into the office and marching toward the desk. The chair spins around to reveal its occupant, the MINISTER OF FINANCE. Except that he's _also_:_

CINDERELLA Fairy Godfather!

_Her FAIRY GODFATHER reacts with a start at the sight of Cinderella._

GODFATHER  
Uh - you're mistakin' me for someone else, sister.

CINDERELLA  
I don't think so, "Fairy Godfather!" Or should I call you Minister of Finance?

GODFATHER  
I don' know what yer talkin' about.

PRINCE  
Oh yeah? Well maybe you know this: Why did you have Cinderella shadowed!?

GODFATHER  
'Cause she was th' best match fer th' girl ya danced with.

CINDERELLA  
That's a lie! You had me hooked from the start and you know it!

_Cinderella pulls the note out of her apron._

CINDERELLA (cont.)  
This note that was on the dress you sent me the night of the ball! It's the same handwriting as on the marriage contract!

PRINCE  
And it was _your_ idea I marry into big money! Except now you're all for me marrying a girl with _no_ money!

PRIME MINISTER  
No debt payoff, and King Midas disgraces the Prince and his father, and the monarchy goes down for the count!

GODFATHER  
(amused)  
An' why would I want that? If th' kingdom goes down, I'll be out of a job.

PRINCE  
Would you? You're so good at cookin' books, you could probably get a job anywhere as a Minister of Finance. Or a Fairy Godfather if that don't work out.  
(beat)  
Or maybe just . . a _Godfather_! Of the criminal underworld, which has been doing _real_ good since about the same time we hired you to balance our books!

GODFATHER  
Coincidence.

PRIME MINISTER  
Coincidence, my monocle! It's also about the same time the palace portfolio started sliding deeper and deeper into the hole! The money had to be going somewhere, and I think now we know!

PRINCE  
We've been keeping our eyes on the underworld bigwigs for years, but we never found out who the biggest wig was, the one on top. All we knew was they called him the Godfather.

GODFATHER  
And you think . . . C'mon, if I was that Godfather, ya think I'd be dumb enough ta use th' same name fer another character?

CINDERELLA  
No, we'd think you _weren't_ dumb enough to use the same name for another character, and so you _would._

_Pregnant pause._

GODFATHER  
Damn.

_Four GUARDS enter the office and surround the Godfather._

GODFATHER  
Look, Yer Highness, we can settle this outta court. I'll make ya an offer -

PRINCE  
I refuse.

GODFATHER  
How can ya refuse it? Ya haven't even heard it yet.

PRINCE  
Don't need to, don't want to.

GODFATHER  
If you take me down, yer goin' down with me. Yer still in debt and ya still got those photos hangin' over ya. Who's gonna fix yer books now? Is it worth it rubbin' me outta th' picture with the kingdom danglin' by a thread?

PRINCE  
You messed with my old man. You messed with my kingdom. And when someone messes with your old man and your kingdom, you're supposed to do something about it. Well, I'm doing something about it, and you're takin' the fall!  
(beat)  
If you're lucky, you'll get off with life! In which case, if you're a good boy, you'll be out in twenty years!

GODFATHER  
Great, another round in th' slammer. Every time I try ta get out, they pull me back in!

_The guards take away the Godfather, alias the Fairy Godfather, alias the Minister of Finance, alias several other aliases we never mentioned but he used anyway. He really got around._  
_Stepmother, Lizzie, and Lucretia rush in._

LIZZIE  
There you are, Cinderella! You got a lot 'a nerve, running out on us like that!

LUCRETIA  
We oughta charge you for the cab fare!

PRINCE  
Hey, don't talk to your future Princess like that!

STEPMOTHER  
Don't tell me you're actually gonna marry this dust bunny!?

PRINCE  
You gotta problem with that!?

STEPMOTHER  
(to Cinderella)  
And you're actually gonna skip out on us and move into the palace!?

CINDERELLA  
(gestures to the Prince)  
What he said!

_For a moment, Stepmother looks like she's about to commit murder, but then:_

STEPMOTHER  
(peeved)  
Fine! Run off and marry your handsome prince! We'll get along better without you anyway, now that your life insurance is gonna make us millionaires!

CINDERELLA  
Yeah, about that. I wouldn't design your counting house just yet.

_Cinderella pulls the insurance policy out of her apron._

CINDERELLA (cont.)  
Your little million-grickle insurance policy with the double-indemnity clause?

STEPMOTHER  
If you're thinking about destroying it, don't bother. It's just a copy.

CINDERELLA  
Oh, there's no need for that. I took a real good gander at it on the way to the palace, especially the clause.

_Pulls a magnifying glass out of her apron and holds it over the policy._

CINDERELLA (cont.)  
See for yourself. It says right here, if the party of the first part - that's me - comes back to life after dying the accidental death, then control of the insurance payoff passes from the party of the second part - that's you - to the party of the first part - me again.  
(beat)  
In other words, _I_ get the two million gold grickles! Not you!

_Stepmother peers at the policy. From the look of horror slowly creeping across her face, she's confirming Cinderella's diagnosis._

STEPMOTHER  
(furious)  
Why is it always the fine print that ruins things!?

PRINCE  
(to Cinderella)  
So you ain't a pauper after all!

CINDERELLA  
And you ain't gonna be either. Like that contract said, we gotta merge our fortunes. Take what you need to pay off the King's debts. Consider the rest a down payment on a joint account.

PRINCE  
(smiles)  
Cinderella, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful marriage.

_Lizzie howls in frustrated rage. She glares at Cinderella while pointing at the Prince._

LIZZIE  
Of all the royal balls in all the kingdoms in the world, _you_ walk into _his_! And steal my prince!

LUCRETIA  
_Your_ prince!? He's _my_ meal ticket!

STEPMOTHER  
Oh, give it a rest!

_Stepmother turns and stomps off in frustration._

STEPMOTHER (cont.)  
Next script, I'm auditioning for one of the _good_ guys!

PRINCE  
(to Cinderella)  
First things first, we gotta get you a new wardrobe, fit for a wedding and a princess.

CINDERELLA  
Suits me fine. I've had enough of wearing Snow White's hand-me-downs.

_She holds up the slipper._

CINDERELLA  
But I'm keeping this as a memento.

LIZZIE  
Why do you wanna keep _that_ old thing?

CINDERELLA  
Because...

_Pregnant pause._

CINDERELLA (cont.)  
It's the stuff that fairy tales are made of.

LUCRETIA  
They're made of cement?

_SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, MAIN ENTRANCE, ROYAL PALACE, DAY_

_A magnificent white coach stands at the bottom of the grand staircase from the palace's front doors, with two lines of well-dressed people on both sides of the stairs. The Prince and Cinderella, both dressed in wedding threads, speed-walk through the doors and down the staircase toward the coach amidst rain of uncooked rice thrown by the people on either side of them._  
_Cinderella and the Prince board the coach and wave goodbye to everyone as it rolls away toward their honeymoon._

PRINCE (V.O.)  
And that's how I got here. A married man with his kingdom back in order, and the most gorgeous girl in the kingdom to share it with.

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
And how I got to be free of that old crone and her two cronies for good. A princess to the most handsome prince in any kingdom, to have and to hold, to live with happily ever . . . after . . .

_REAR VIEW of departing coach. The words "Just Married" are emblazoned on the rear bumper, and strings are tied to the bumper leading to tin cans and shoes dragging behind on the road. Cinderella and the Prince kiss each other in the rear window._

CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)  
Wait a minute! So, this is a happy ending? Everything all bright and sunny, the two of us really living happily ever after?

PRINCE (V.O.)  
Yeah, what's wrong with that?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
What's wrong is this is film noir! You're not supposed to have happy, bright and sunny endings in film noir!

STEPMOTHER (V.O.)  
_I_ ain't having a happy ending! Thanks to you two, I had to get a job at the Laundromat to make ends meet!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
Finally trying to clean up your act?

STEPMOTHER (V.O.)  
Finally running out of decent wisecracks?

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
What about Lucretia and Lizzie?

STEPMOTHER (V.O.)  
Lucretia's cooking at a local diner. And Lizzie's chopping wood at the Barber College.  
(beat)  
At least _they're_ getting some job satisfaction!

CINDERELLA (V.O.)  
And I'm getting sick of these drawn-out chapter endings.

PRINCE (V.O.)  
Me too.  
(to audience)  
Hey! The story's over! Iris out already!

_The scene does so. THE END. Sayonara._


End file.
